Sorry Couple Days Late--- excuse me i'm Irish

      A GUIDE FOR YOU FOR ST PATRICK'S DAY

            IRISH BEER TROUBLESHOOTING GUIDE 

            SYMPTOM  CAUSE  CORRECTIVE ACTION 
            Feet cold and wet  Glass Being held at incorrect angle.  Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling 
            Feet warm and wet  Improper Bladder Control  Stand next to nearest dog, complain about lack of house training 
            Beer unusually pale and tasteless  a. Glass empty.

            b. You're holding a Coors Lite  Get someone to buy you another beer 
            Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights  You have fallen over backward.  Have yourself leashed to the bar 
            Mouth contains cigarette butts, back of head covered with ashes  You have fallen forward  See above 
            Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet  a. Mouth not open

            b. Glass applied to wrong part of face  Retire to restroom, practice in front of mirror 
            Floor Blurred  You are looking through bottom of empty glass  Get someone to buy you another beer 
            Floor moving  You are being carried out  Find out if you are being taken to another bar 
            Room seems unusually dark  Bar has closed  Confirm home address with bartender. If staff is gone, grab a six-pack to go and hit the nearest fire escape door. Run. 
            Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures  Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations  Cover mouth, open window, stick head outside 
            Everyone looks up to you and smiles  You are dancing on the table  Fall on someone cushy-looking 
            Beer is crystal-clear (my fav)  It's water! Somebody is trying to sober you up  Punch him 
            People are standing around urinals, talking        You're NOT in the ladies' room  Do not use urinal! Excuse yourself, exit and try the next door down the hall. Try to get phone numbers before exiting (optional) 
            Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear  You have been in a fight  Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them 
            Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in  You've wandered into the wrong party  See if they have free beer 
            Your bedroom is painted gray, has a concrete floor and an interesting steel door. Toilet may be conveniently located next to your bunk  a. You're in jail

Pastors Sven & Ole

Reverend Ole was the pastor of the local Norwegian Lutheran Church, and

Pastor Sven was the minister of the Swedish Covenant Church across the road.

I saw them yesterday standing by the road, pounding a sign into the ground,
that reads:

"Da End iss Near! Turn Yourself Aroundt Now! Before It's Too Late!"

As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and

yelled, "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!"

From the curve we heard screeching tires and a big splash...

Rev. Ole turns to Pastor Sven and asks, "Do ya tink maybe da sign should
yust say

'Bridge Out'?"